#107: The problem with your sense of entitlement
Are you entitled? If not, you should be. No, not like that. I'm not talking about over-entitlement, which these days seems to be what people mean when they talk about entitlement. We don't hear so much about under-entitlement: people who allow themselves to be short-changed by life because they don't realise they should be getting more. Or, rather, we do hear about this, but we don't talk about it using the language of entitlement. Does that matter? Yes, it does, because thinking of 'entitlement' as a dirty word is holding you back.
Episode transcript:
You’re listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. I’m Dr Rebecca Roache. I’m a coach and a philosopher at the University of London, and in this podcast I draw on philosophical analysis and coaching insights to help you dump perfectionism and flourish on your own terms.
Hello imperfect friends. Guess what? I know exactly what’s brought you to this episode. I know exactly what’s made you think ‘this one’s for me’. It’s because of your disgustingly entitled attitude, isn’t it? You’re basically an egomaniac. Without your inner critic keeping you in check and reminding you what an insignificant little squirt you are—I mean, thank god for your inner critic, right?—you’d think nothing of stepping over everyone else to get what you want. It’s just one more aspect of your generally unacceptable personality, which you’re constantly having to keep hidden because nobody would want to spend a second in your company if they knew what you’re really like. So, here you are, headphones on, ready to self-flagellate through this hair shirt of an episode until I get to the part about the one weird trick you can use to deceive people into thinking that you’re a passably decent human. Well, I’m sorry to disappoint you, but what I want to talk about here is pretty much the polar opposite of what you’re thinking. We hear a lot about entitlement these days, don’t we? And it’s generally about over entitlement. People thinking, without any justification, that they’re entitled to more or better than everyone else. That the rules that other people have to follow don’t apply to them. That they’re special, that they matter more, that they’re superior, that they get a fast track to success and comfort and happiness. But it’s not people like that who are my focus here, although they could certainly do with making some changes. I want to focus, instead, on the opposite: people who are under entitled. People who have a hard time accepting that there are things to which they are entitled, and perhaps also that there are things to which they’re entitled that they’re not getting. People who think that taking their fair share is wrong; who don’t think they even have a fair share to take. People who don’t think they’re entitled to take up space in the world, to breathe air that could otherwise be replenishing other people, who feel like their very existence is an unacceptable infringement on everyone else. We don’t hear much about under-entitled people, do we? I was just doing a bit of googling, and while there’s the odd mention of it here and there, it’s not exactly a hot topic. It was my therapist who put me on to the idea that it’s possible to be under-entitled, and that that can be a problem. And once she’d done that, I realised that of course under-entitled people exist. I’ve met quite a lot of them. They often turn up to my coaching sessions. Perhaps you’re one of them. How would you know if you are? Because it’s not always obvious. And, if you are one, what can you do about it? One way to think about this starts from acknowledging that there’s a certain amount of stuff to which you are legitimately entitled, which is itself a bombshell to some people. I mean, it’s fairly easy to accept, in theory, when it’s put in bald terms like that, but for some it can be hard to really inhabit that idea. Moral and political philosophy give us a lens through which we can view this idea: you, like everyone else, have various rights and freedoms. You’re as entitled as the next person to vote in elections, for example, assuming you meet the usual criteria about things like age and nationality. We can think of it, too, in terms of desert. You deserve to be paid what you’ve earned. Do I need to go on? It’s pretty obvious, really, isn’t it, that there there is some stuff to which you’re entitled. And that means there’s nothing wrong with thinking of yourself as entitled to stuff that you really are entitled to. That’s completely appropriate and sensible, in fact. You’re mistaken if you think otherwise. You should feel entitled to what you’re entitled to. But do you? The truth is that I keep meeting people who really have a hard time claiming what they’re entitled to, and often they really seem not to realise that that’s what’s happening. Sometimes that seems to be because they just haven’t framed the situation as one in which there’s a mismatch between what they’re entitled to and what they’re actually getting. Sometimes they’re not clear, or they haven’t thought about, what they actually are entitled to. Sometimes, for them, feeling entitled is the same thing as feeling over-entitled, which means there’s no space for an appropriate, well-calibrated sense of entitlement. In case it sounds implausible that anyone would think in these ways, let me give you a few examples. Some of them will be familiar if you’re a regular listener—they’re themes I’ve talked about before, just not using the framework of entitlement. Take rest. I’ve talked plenty of times about the problem that lots of you have with the idea of taking a break. Honestly, sometimes I worry that there are some of you out there who would feel like you’re doing something lazy or indulgent or selfish by resting even if you were doing it at gunpoint. We can view this as an entitlement-related problem. If you’re someone who thinks that either you’re working hard or you’re being a lazy piece of crap and that there’s no middle ground, then you lack an appropriate sense of entitlement around rest. Telling yourself that resting—any amount of resting—makes you lazy is a way of telling yourself that you’re not entitled to rest. Resting, for you, goes hand-in-hand with taking more than you should. But rest, as I’ve said before, is a physiological need, and you can’t function long-term if you don’t get enough of it. You’re entitled to get enough of it, by which I mean there’s an amount of rest that it’s appropriate for you to enjoy without feeling like you shouldn’t be doing it. Another example of a problem with entitlement has to do with boundaries. When people talk about having poor boundaries, they’re often talking about failing to claim things to which they are entitled. So, for example, if your boss keeps calling you about work-related matters on evenings and weekends, when you’re not getting paid, and if you don’t want them to do this but feel too awkward about asking them not to do it, we can view that as a problem with setting an appropriate boundary. But what underlies it—and also, perhaps, what explains that sense of awkwardness about speaking up—has to do with entitlement. You don’t feel entitled to your leisure time, and you should feel entitled to it, because you really are entitled to it. People who feel awkward about setting and enforcing this sort of boundary sometimes talk themselves into letting it slide by saying things like, ‘Well, there’s a lot going on at work at the moment, my boss probably really needs help, and it doesn’t take up much of my time, it’s not like I need to actually go into work, I can just nip into the toilets at this family dinner and make a phonecall, I’m not that hungry anyway.’ Which misses the point, really, because you’re entitled to your leisure time full stop, regardless of what’s going on at work. Your entitlement to spend your unpaid time not working isn’t up for debate. It’s not a case of ‘I get to relax at the weekend as long as there’s nothing important happening at work’. No. Your boss is no more entitled to intrude into your leisure time than they’re entitled to walk into your house and take a nap in your bed. If they did that, I’m sure you wouldn’t let them carry on and say, ‘Well, I’m not using my bed at the moment, and it won’t take me that long to change the bedding and maybe make them a cup of tea if they ask for one’—at least, I really hope you wouldn’t. If you can get your head around the idea that you’re entitled to keep your bed for yourself (and perhaps certain others, but only by invitation), then you should try to get your head around the idea that you’re entitled to keep your time for yourself, and your energy, and plenty of other things too. It’s the same thing. Here’s another important entitlement-related problem: failing to speak up when others let you down. Sometimes other people don’t fulfil their obligations to us. Maybe a colleague you’re collaborating on a project with isn’t pulling their weight, meaning you’re having to take up the slack. Maybe you’ve been assigned a mentor who’s meant to meet up with you at regular intervals to provide support, but they keep cancelling your meetings and not responding when you try to reschedule. Honestly, I’ve lost count of the number of coaching sessions I’ve had that involve discussions along the lines of ‘I’m being let down by other people and it’s causing a lot of problems for me, what can I do about it without asking them to do the thing they’re supposed to be doing?’ If that sounds like you, then perhaps you think–like some of the clients I’ve seen over the years–that asking others to fulfil their obligations to you would make you needy or demanding or whiny or pathetic or helpless, all of which ring of a lack of an appropriate sense of entitlement, because they make it sound like you should be able to just shut up and get on with whatever it is without bothering anyone else, as if they’re entitled to their peace and quiet, when in fact the opposite is true: you’re entitled to expect other people to fulfil their obligations to you. What I’m trying to do here by showing you how all these familiar problems relate to entitlement is to convince you that ‘entitlement’ is not a dirty word. Among people I’ve coached, I’ve met many many more under-entitled than over-entitled people, and that’s a real problem, because these are people who are allowing life to short-change them. They often don’t even realise they’re being short changed; instead, when they find themselves struggling because they don’t have enough time or support or respect or whatever, they think it’s because they’re just not up to the job. Often, they even weaponise the language of entitlement against themselves: whenever they find themselves thinking that maybe they deserve more than what they’re getting, they add ‘I’m entitled!’ to their list of personal failings, as if being entitled is a bad thing. I mean, it is a bad thing, but only because ‘being entitled’ has come to mean the same thing as ‘being over-entitled’. If you’re still struggling with the idea that maybe it’s ok to be entitled, you can try that favourite strategy of mine: ‘Would I say that to another person?’ Is your friend entitled—appropriately entitled, I mean—to rest when they’re tired? Is your sibling entitled to enjoy their weekend free of unpaid work-related interruptions? Is your colleague entitled to say ‘enough is enough’ when other take advantage of them and keep letting them down? If the sort of entitlement I’m talking about when I ask these questions strikes you as unproblematic, then you’ve got the beginnings of a healthy understanding of entitlement to which you can apply to yourself, so that you can advocate for yourself, protect yourself from people who are happy to take advantage of you, and keep your inner critic in line. Make peace with the right sort of entitlement. Get up right now, walk over to the window, open it, and loudly announce to the world, ‘I’m entitled!’ Ok, maybe don’t do that. But accept that perhaps you’re entitled to more than you’ve allowed yourself to believe. Give it some thought, eh?
I’m Dr Rebecca Roache, and you’ve been listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe on whatever podcast app you use. I want to help as many people as I can with these episodes, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d share the podcast with any friends who you think might find it useful, and if you’d leave a review on your podcast app. If you’d like to support the podcast financially, you can do that at patreon.com/academicimperfectionist. For more information about me, the podcast, and my coaching, please visit the website - academicimperfectionist.com. You can find me on Medium too, as AcademicImperfectionist. If you have an idea or a request for a future episode of The Academic Imperfectionist, please drop me a line, either via the contact form on my website or via Medium. Thanks for listening, and see you next time!
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