#49: Say no to FOMO
You know, in theory, that you have too much on your plate and that you really should stop taking on even more - but, seriously, have you seen how great this new opportunity is? It's a once in a lifetime thing! There's no way anyone could turn it down!
Friend, you need to end your FOMO before it ends you. The good news is that it's easy to do - you just need to reframe your choices a little. You need to think about not just what you'll miss out on if you don't take this opportunity, but also what you'll miss out on if you do. Hit the download button and gather round.
Here's the core values exercise mentioned in the episode.
Episode transcript:
Fear of missing out? On what, exactly?
You’re listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. I’m Dr Rebecca Roache. I’m a coach and a philosopher at the University of London, and week by week I’ll be drawing on philosophical analysis and coaching insights to help you dump perfectionism and flourish on your own terms.
Are you someone who finds themself overwhelmed because they’ve got too many things going on - things that it would just be unthinkable not to be doing? Perhaps you’re finding that there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done, but the things that are taking up your time are all such great opportunities that might never come your way again, so you just have to get on with it and do better at squeezing everything in. There’s that conference talk you got invited to do, that’s kind of a big deal for someone at your career stage. There’s that committee you joined because it will tick the right boxes when the time comes to apply for promotion. That course you’re teaching that isn’t actually part of your job but which is going to look good on your CV. And so on. It’s a nice problem to have, in a way, isn’t it? You were lucky to get asked. So you just need to get through it - maybe sleep a bit less, see your friends a bit less, stop procrastinating, so you can get things done - and it will be worth it in the end.
So, how can you fix this problem of having too much on your plate - and of willingly adding to what’s on your plate despite knowing that it’s already full to overflowing? Is it something you need to fix? And I ask because of the amount of coaching clients I’ve encountered who don’t think it is - who think that, although they’re struggling to get everything done, being overburdened in this way is just a part of life, especially if they’re going to get where they want to get. Well, here’s why I think it’s something that needs to be fixed. Let’s go back to that attitude of ‘it will be worth it in the end’. The thought is that, if you can just get through it, keep all the plates spinning, then you’ll get that promotion or that important line on your CV or that job or whatever it is. And perhaps that’s true. You might get what you want. But there are at least two problems with that thought. The first is that, unless you want to end up burnt out or otherwise ill, you’re going to have to cut back on the commitments you make eventually. Remember the last podcast episode? You can’t run a marathon at sprint pace, and what you’re doing right now is sprinting. That’s something you can’t do indefinitely. And you will try to do it indefinitely, unless you reflect on your attitude to the opportunities that come your way and work out how to prioritise sensibly. Because after you get that job that you’re going all-out for, there’ll be something else to work towards. A promotion, a grant, a better job, whatever. There’ll be more opportunities that seem too good to pass up. The all-out approach that you think of as being ‘just for now’ will turn into business-as-usual unless you take control. And then there’s the risk that, if you don’t decide how to prioritise your time, your health (or lack of it) will do it for you.
Here’s a second problem with that ‘it will be worth it in the end’ thought. It’s not even clear that you need to take on so much in order to do well. This is the problem with FOMO, fear of missing out. You tell yourself that you have to take on more and more and more, because otherwise you’re missing out in some way, but you don’t look at the flip side of that: what you’re sacrificing by taking on something extra. You don’t, after all, have an unlimited supply of time and energy and focus. So, if you’re guilty of thinking otherwise (and I know I am sometimes), it’s time to get real. Take off the rose-tinted glasses - you know, the ones that you wear when you tell yourself that of course you can make room in your life for one more commitment, no matter how much you’ve already got going - and ask yourself what you’re going to be investing less time and energy and focus in, if you take on this new thing. That’s kind of a bleak way of framing things, so here’s a more positive way. If you don’t take on this new commitment, what existing projects in your life would you be able to give more of yourself to? Or, as I sometimes frame it in coaching sessions: if you say no to this new thing, what would you be saying yes to? Perhaps, if you declined this invitation to speak at a conference, you’d be able to dedicate yourself to this current writing project, and have it finished sooner. Perhaps, if you don’t join this committee, you’d be able to give yourself fully to developing this new course you’re meant to be teaching next term. Or perhaps - because this isn’t always about striking a balance between professional commitments - if you don’t agree to organise this event, you’ll have more time to relax and unwind, which is much more important than you usually like to tell yourself. The thing that lots of us miss about FOMO is that there’s ‘missing out’ either way. You’re keen to take on more and more because you’ll miss out if you don’t, but it doesn’t occur to you that you miss out if you do, too. If you decide to say yes to this new thing, then great (maybe), but accept that it’s going to involve saying no to something else. And conversely, saying no to this new thing means being able to remain invested in what you’re already doing - you know, in those things that you’ve already decided are worth investing in. Anything new that makes it onto the priority list is going to push something else out. Is it worth it? It depends. You need to look at what you have on your plate - both existing projects and new opportunities - and make a decision about where you want to direct your time, energy, and focus. Because this really isn’t a ‘more is better, and even more is even better’ situation.
Sounds obvious once it’s out there, doesn’t it? Which raises the question: why are new opportunities so tempting? Why is it, when we’re deciding whether or not to go for this new opportunity, that we so often focus on the positive things we’d gain from accepting it, rather than on the positive things we’d gain from not going for it? A full answer to that is going to be complicated and above my pay grade - but I’ll share with you some of the things that have come up in my discussions with people about this.
The first is that we’re already constantly telling ourselves that we should be doing more. So, of course, when the opportunity comes up to do more, we’re inclined to take it. Why wouldn’t we? Since we don’t think we’re doing enough, the alternative of investing fully and exclusively in the stuff we’re already doing, doesn’t strike us as quite satisfactory. Far better to spread ourselves increasingly thinly just for the sake of doing more and more, right? Of course it’s not. And the fact that we’re ever tempted to think otherwise is a great illustration of how our self-criticism stands in the way of making sensible choices. Here’s something I suggest you try in order to recalibrate. Just ask yourself, if I was confident that I was already doing enough, how might I react differently to this new opportunity? Because any differences will show you the influence that your belief in your own inadequacy has over the choices you make.
Another thing that’s probably not helping here is your thoughts around scarcity. I talked about this in episode #12: Delete your scarcity mindset. If you’re afraid to let an opportunity pass by because you’re afraid that you won’t get another chance, then you’re viewing things from a place of scarcity. This just isn’t how it works the majority of the time. Especially when it comes to doing things that are attractive precisely because you think they’ll help you advance in your career. You’re less qualified and experienced now than you will be in a year’s time, or in two years. So, it just doesn’t make sense that you won’t get another offer. You’ll be a more appealing conference speaker or writer or teacher or whatever in the future than you are now, and if you turn down the current opportunity, you’re still going to find yourself with a full plate a year or two from now. Why wouldn’t you?
Here’s one possible answer to that question. At least, it’s a possible answer to the question from your self-critical, I’m-not-enough, skewed point of view. Here it is: you don’t recognise that these opportunities are coming your way because you’re valued or qualified or in any way impressive. You think they’re coming your way through pure luck. Maybe the person who has asked you to speak at this conference feels sorry for you and wants to help you out, despite having absolutely no interest in what you have to say, and maybe you can’t rely on encountering such an unusually altruistic, generous person again in your career. Or maybe you’ve been asked to teach this course because there’s nobody else available, and so through pure chance you’re the best option, despite being unspeakably incompetent. Perhaps the entire industry is run like a lottery, which you happen to be winning at the moment, but soon your luck is going to run out, and then you’ll be at the bottom of the pile, where you deserve to be, especially if you do something as arrogant and narcissistic as turn down the opportunity that you’ve been offered, because who the hell do you think you are? Beggars can’t be choosers. Etcetera. Look, just stop. This isn’t a fairytale where you’re being offered opportunities that are secretly tests of your character, where your response risks showing up some horrible character flaw for which you’ll be punished with a lifetime of never having any nice thing happen to you ever again. It comes back again to this question: How can I best prioritise my limited time, energy, and focus at this time? That’s the only relevant consideration. Sometimes the new opportunity will happen to be the best thing to focus on, all things considered. Perhaps it will warrant bumping something else off the priority list. But plenty of times it won’t. The choice isn’t between what you have now and having even more. It’s between what you’re working on now and working on a slightly rejigged portfolio of stuff, where whatever you put into this new opportunity is directed away from your other projects.
If you need some help with working out how best to prioritise your life so that you’re directing the best of yourself into the things that matter most, you might want to work through the ‘core values’ exercise on my website. I’ve put a link to this in the notes for this episode. Working out what your most fundamental values are can help give some perspective to the choices you face, by helping you assess how your various options align with the things you care about most.
Good luck, friends, with pushing back against the self-criticism and the FOMO, and putting your time and energy in the right places. Until next time.
I’m Dr Rebecca Roache, and you’ve been listening to The Academic Imperfectionist. If you enjoyed the episode, please subscribe on whatever podcast app you like to use. I want to help as many people as I can with these episodes, and I’d really appreciate it if you’d share the podcast with any friends who you think might find it useful, and if you’d consider leaving a review on your podcast app. If you’d like to support the podcast financially, you can do that at patreon.com/academicimperfectionist. For more information about me, the podcast, and my coaching, please visit the website - academicimperfectionist.com. You’ll find links there to The Academic Imperfectionist on Twitter and Facebook too. If you have an idea or a request for a future episode of The Academic Imperfectionist, please drop me a line, either via my website or by tweeting your idea with the hashtag #AcademicImperfectionist. Thank you for listening, and see you next time!
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